The Ongoing Reality of the Loss of Our Son

We lost Aaron Levi almost a year and a half ago to the day. His loss is always present, the void always throbbing, but in some seasons his absence weighs more heavily on my soul than others. This is one of those seasons. The last few days have been difficult. I look at our girls in all of their sweet, funny, innocent, perfect, bubbly, loving, resplendent glory, and I see all the things that could have been with Aaron…. all of the things that feel as though they were stolen from us…. all of the things that SHOULD have been, but were cut short. And then I think about the phrase, “should have been.” Perhaps “should have been” is inaccurate. Perhaps all the things that should have been already are, right now, in this moment….. just not right here on this Earth.

The last few days Eliana has been asking me to play the song “It is Well with My Soul” over and over and over again. I play it for her at night when she feels scared of the dark. She firmly proclaims that the song keeps the monsters away. I was pleased that she took to the song so well, for I, too, love it. Both the melody and lyrics speak deeply to me. Lately she has been trying to sing the song in her sweet, tender, innocent little voice. She only has the first line of the song down, and it comes out like this, “It is we-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ell in heaven!!!” At first I thought she was mixing “It is Well” with “The Lord’s Prayer” which she also likes to sing. And then I realized maybe she is right. Maybe she is perfectly right. Perhaps she is singing truth into my life like little children so often do. She started singing the song the day I started to feel the weight of grief return. Maybe that isn’t a coincidence. Maybe she is reminding me that everything really is well in heaven, and that all the “should have beens” already are… just not here where I can see them and touch them, but still safe in heaven nevertheless, waiting patiently for the day our longing turns into reality and lost becomes found… the day where heaven collides with earth and all that has been well in heaven embraces our faith and fulfills our hope.

“And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight
And the clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul”


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